Quote:
Originally Posted by scorpiosis37
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An unintended consequence is that my thread has made me feel even worse about putting up healthy boundaries because I feel like i'm being perceived as judgmental for deciding that I want to walk away from those relationships in which I'm not being treated well. It was really, really hard for me to stand up for myself and set that boundary-- and my T was proud of me for (finally) doing that-- but the responses to my thread are making me feel pretty low for protecting myself from someone who was violating my boundaries. Last session, my T told me how proud she was of me for (finally) standing firm on my boundaries and communicating directly with someone who violated them (since confrontation is difficult for me, and something I've worked on with my T). That's one of the first times T has ever used the word "proud" and it meant a lot to me-- and I wish I hadn't posted about this topic because, now, when I think about upholding my boundaries, all of the negative feelings from this thread overwhelm that. I feel like a jerk, and I'm really not a jerk. I'm someone who, like a number of us on PC, suffered a lot as a child, and has tried heal from that and create a better life as an adult. I've had poor boundaries because I didn't want to push ANYONE away; what if I pushed away the only people who wanted to stay? What if I was left with no one? I had to get to the place that I was okay being alone, before I could actually set and maintain my boundaries. I had to learn how to love myself enough to believe that I deserved to be treated well. I've been working on these things in therapy for 3 years, and it's been a long and difficult road.
I think I'm going to bring this whole thread in to my T tomorrow. I want her perspective on all of this. She's one of the people who knows me the best, and she can tell me what she thinks is being misunderstood and what she thinks I really do need to work on.
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I'm very sorry that this thread took a turn that has not been beneficial to you. However, as I read through the entire thing, and then come back to your original question, I do think you've gotten some good advice on how to shake the "it's not fair" feeling.
I think what contributes a lot to that feeling is the judgment call about behaviour. People are who they are at the time. They act the way they act at the time.
Also, we allow what people and when those people are in our lives, but it has to be more about us than them. When we decide they are bad, that's when the judgment comes in, and the sense of fairness or unfairness comes into play.
As an example of neutrality is that I am allergic to dogs. I have a friend who has several. I can't even be around her without sneezing. So, I chose not to be around her.
Is she a bad person - no. She's fantastic. Is she good for me? Not at all. The
situation is such that it just doesn't work out.
Good for you for realizing what is just not working for you. The key is, however, keeping it about you.
I think, as MUE, pointed out, that this thread sort of moved away from you, and about the behaviour of others, and people are picking up on that external focus as one of the sources of your pain.
I think you even indicated as much in your original post.
How do you keep the focus on you? I still think wisdom and humility are incredibly important. Be wise and know yourself, but be wise about the behaviour of others. We have to be humble in the absence of complete knowledge about them, which we will never have. I think the combination of these two, with a whopping dose of empathy thrown in, frees us from the hold of others almost completely.
I hope your therapist can help you better than we have and that she can fully validate your setting boundaries and knowing yourself.
peace to you.