You know I sat here, and I started to write an email to him. I decided not to send it because I won't ever get a response back from him and I don't think i want to be shot down again. But I started to say things like " I just would like for one time you give me a hug or just say, you know , I understand your dealing with a lot, and I know it's not easy, but I'm here for you and I'm so sorry that all of this has happened, but I hope I can help you take away some pain and help you get through this" just once would I love for him to say this or something like it. At least I would feel that he cares for me and wants to be my friend. I know I should expect things from people, but it would be nice to have someone on my side for once. Not once while I go through tests or bloodwork or wait for results did he ever say, it's going to be ok. Lie to me to make me feel somewhat hopeful, I wouldn't mind. But when I would say to him, I'm so scared, I'm just so scared about the baby, or I'm scared this test will be positive or that one will be, he just said, relax your crazy, it's fine. I know I can't fault him for not being a bit warmer towards me, because his mom is a cold fish. But it would've been nice for him to not make fun of me everything I stressed about things, or if I read something online about my conditions, he would say he was going to turn off the Internet because I'm reading crap and its only making me feel worse. I like how he tries to find humor in some situations but sometimes you have to be serious. I started telling him that I'm writing letters to my children in the event things don't go as Planned with this baby. I started writing a letter to my son and in it I also included a letter if someday he gets married ...all of that. Then i will write one for my daughter, and another one for this baby. i I just want to make sure my children know how important they are to me. I told him this and he thought it was ridiculous. If this makes me happy and I feel at peace then why make fun of it? I'm also thinking of writing a letter to my parents and even my husband but right now I want to make sure I remember everything of what I want to say to my children on paper. It's very hard actually doing this. I thought it would be easier.
So I wrote out this email to him and I poured out my feelings, but then I quickly deleted it.
I know I'm just going on and on lately ranting here, I am sorry. I just feel like I have no other outlet. It really helps me when I read responses because I truly listen to the advice and try and put it towards good use. I don't feel that alone then.