A bit of background. My SIL scheduled her wedding three weeks after my due date (this happened when I was 5 months pregnant). Although it would have been nice to have been considered, it didn't matter that she set the date close to my delivery - it was her day and she had every right to have her wedding whenever she wanted. But, my DH spoke to SIL after we got the save-the-dates and let her know very respectfully that we would probably not be able to make it out of state with a newborn (our pediatricians strongly recommended against travel). SIL, upon hearing this news, flew into a rage, called us horrible names and hung up the phone. We were SHOCKED!! Then a minute after we got off the phone with SIL, my DH dad's called and yelled at us for ruining SIL's wedding and called us more names. Over the next few months, this became a huge family issue with my other SIL calling and telling me I need to apologize (for what?), my FIL and MIL calling and yelling at us repeatedly, aunts and uncles telling us how we were being gossiped about and the horrible names we were being called in conversations behind our backs.
As much as this hurt us, we chose to bear this treatment silently from the whole family because nobody cared about how we felt and we found it pointless to keep talking about it with people who didn't want to hear our point of view. Needless to say, we didn't make it to the wedding. But, we called SIL on wedding day, left her a loving message and sent her a generous gift. She refused to talk to us after her wedding and although we have tried to mend the rift over the past three years, it hasn't happened. In fact, it has only grown worse.
I don't talk to any of my in-laws anymore because I'm tired of being blamed and held in contempt. Prior to all this, I was close with everyone in my husband's family. My DH has never been close to his sisters and only talks to his parents on a very superficial level. Nobody has apologized to us for their past treatment of us or their continued lack of effort. In fact, the parents still blame us for the lack of communication, even when we have shown them proof (emails, Skype logs, missed calls, unanswered text messages, etc)! We have been accused of keeping our daughter from them, but how can they expect to have a relationship with her if they don't have one with us?
Our marriage has suffered because I feel like my DH has avoided conflict and not stood up firmly for the way we have been treated and told his family that this is unacceptable behavior. I feel emotionally abandoned and so hurt....
My question is this - how do I get over the pain, humiliation, anger, hurt, and resentment because of the history? I'm in therapy and it helps, but it would be easier if I could just have some resolution to this conflict. I wish I could say they are all dead to me, but it is not my place, but my DH's decision (if he ever finds the courage to stand up to his parents). I would really like your thoughts and advice on this issue.