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Originally Posted by ReddSN
Waiting for news on a job, which I know I won't get.....
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First, you dont' know that. If you actually knew the future and the outcome, you wouldn't even be here contemplating and hanging onto hope. Based on experience, most people have more rejections in job hunting than positive acceptance. It's truly a rare person who gets multiple job offers from interviews. That's a fact of life. All it takes is one job saying yes. Even if it is not this one, it's not the end of the world. Hang onto hope but don't put all of your hopes into one thing happening. You'll always be defeated worse if you do when it doesn't come to pass the way you are hoping.
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I'm stupidly hopeful that maybe this time will be different....
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It is never stupid to hope. Hope is what keeps us from sinking completely and giving up. There is no wisdom in just giving up on something you cannot know the outcome of yet. So hang onto that hope. It will only feed your failure mentality and drive you further into darkness.
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Can't stop thinking about a friend who recently left me either, that if only I were better, if I weren't so worthless and horrible and despicable that she would have stayed. That if she, who knew me best and knew of my struggles couldn't stay by me, then I really must be the lowest of the low.
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No, she sounds like she made a choice and that is all on her. NO one lives up to the expectations does everything right. A true friend knows this and sticks around in spite of one's failings. Period. This is not a reflection of your worth but hers as a friend. You don't "win" friends, you don't buy them, you don't do things "right" to make them stay. They either are your friends because you are you or they leave because their friendship was based on something other than what real friendship is based on. Don't place too much weight on other people's staying or leaving to make you feel worthy or unworthy.
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No wonder nothing good happens in my life, why I have to struggle constantly, etc, it's my punishment for being who I am.
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Simple answer for this one. This is purely depression and your faulty thinking at work. Although I've been there and understand completely what you're seeing/thinking/feeling, truth is, it's not at all true. You have to divert your focus on things that are not failures and disappointments, but alas, we come to the root of the problem - that is changing your thinking which is what all of us are here for in the first place, so I'm not saying it's easy...
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It's to the point that I think, if only I could find a way to punish myself more, then maybe I'll have served my karmic jail time and good things will happen? Until then I have to hold onto and nurture this self-hatred so I get what I deserve. I hate living my life like this, but I feel like I can't let it go, if I do I won't "serve my time" and nothing good will come to me.
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The only jailtime you are serving is that of your own making. NO one is holding the key to the cell but yourself and there is no sentence. You will forever be holding yourself back as long as you look at it as if after you've beat yourself up you'll be better. No truly you'll only be more battered in the end, not happier.
Look this is not just someone with a lot of platitudes to throw at you and stuff. I have been through the ringer and have struggled on and off for quite some time. I do know how you feel and my heart goes out to you for the struggle you are in but I just tell you these things from what I've figured out and learned and have grown (or at leat for the most part) from.
Hope this helps
~S4