Ever since high school, when it got really, REALLY bad as opposed to the just moderately bad it was in junior high, I have visualized my depression as a solid black ball that sits in the pit of my stomach. Every now and then, the ball explodes, and the resulting black goo travels up my body till it gets to my throat, where it tries to choke me.

Right now I am choking on black goo. The last time I tried to get rid of it by trying to cut it out, I landed in the hospital. I can't afford that right now, but it isn't stopping me from wanting to become a fillet.

I did read over the "things to do instead" and none of them is working for me right now. And, courtesy of a friend who wasn't thinking clearly when she gave them to me, I have a set of really good, sharp knives, and I'm angling to use them. Usually what stops me is I'm on blood thinners and I don't want to deal with the resultant mess, but at the moment, that's not even bothering me -- I'm prepared to handle it.

I don't want to die, I just want to be able to breathe normally, without choking on black goo. I don't know how to get rid of it without cutting.

CB