My bf and I were talking today because he's noticed I've been a bit depressed and concerned about my behavior of knitting while staring at the wall. I am not really staring at the wall, I am just thinking and my eyes don't need to be on my hands while knitting so I am just staring my bonsai tree or something.

I asked him this question: You know I am really stressing out about next week, and if it doesn't go well, can I go away for the week during future visits? I really can't handle all of this stress right now, and I don't know if it's the visit or the dr stuff or both. ( I go for a second round of tests tomorrow.)

His response: It's ten days a year, I think you can sacrifice ten days. I don't want you gone from me for a week. When I don't like something can I go away for a week? Can you give up 10 days out of 365? A lot people see their kids every other weekend

My response: I don't know, but I do know that I don't date guys with kids. I'm giving it a shot. I know it seems awful, but you are seeing what it's doing to me. You also told me once that he wasn't my problem, and for something that's not my problem, I am being deeply affected. If I am with you, at least for ten days, he's also my problem. So, I don't really see it that way.

With that, he got some water, and the conversation was over. I am reeling a little bit because, come on...it's ten flippin' days. A kid gets to see his dad 10 days a year and *I* can't handle it...REALLY?!?! WTH is wrong with me?!

Then there is the side of me that is whispering, "He can see what this is doing to you and he is kinda being a little selfish because he doesn't you away when you clearly would be more happy."

I can feel myself changing toward him as well, I find myself distancing from him, not wanting to be intimate with him, or doing any cooking or
cleaning. (Not my nature. I love to cook and clean things.)

Is this the beginning of the end or just a shut down response to stress? I feel a little depressed and it gets a little worse with feelings of anxiety each day it gets closer to the arrival of the kiddo. There is a bit of guilt and sadness on my part because I can't get over the stupid issue and just move on with being in a good relationship. There is also A LOT of resentment surfacing at not being told on the first or second date about the kid. I see this relationship becoming slowly toxic unless I change my view of it and the kiddo drastically. I can't seem to find a view that fits me yet, but am working to find one. Right now, I am working on cultivating a relationship with the kiddo in case my bf and I have kid so that my daughter (I want a girl..) will have an older brother figure. (Thanks Ham-Bam)

I don't even know what advice to ask for this time. I guess this is more of a rant. My therapist was concerned when I saw her today. Her exact words were : "I haven't seen you this stressed and angry ever...what's wrong?" I just stared at her for a moment and replied, "Umm...I was trying to smile.." I wrote out my three goals for continuing the relationship and began writing steps to get there.

She told me that she thinks I am in a cycle of grief and by this time next year, I will be a lot better. Also, she says PMS and possible cancer stress are exacerbating the issues. (Really.....thanks for noticing.) So, I guess advice on how to grieve not being told about the kiddo up front and not becoming a little ball of darkness in the process? Like I said, this is more of a rant. I am just trying to come up with something so your time isn't wasted by the reading of my whining. (I also just needed to get it out. Thanks for reading.)