Heather,

this is a long story, and you might wonder how it is relevant, but please read through the end and you will see how.

***

I had good social skills very early on, but I did not value them until I almost died and then lived as a victim of abuse for several years.

In 2009 I made a suicide attempt while being in a very bad marriage, followed by a period of several years that were altogether terrible because I was emotionally, verbally, mentally, psychologically, etc. abused by my ex 2nd H (to the point of giving up my custody rights to the daughters who live with him because he convinced me that I was a horrible mother; and, giving him all the money I got when my mom died (not part of community property) while feeling guilty that it was not enough for his needs).

It was a case of gas lighting exacerbated by the fact that the ex H was a mental health professional who obviously knew how to press all the right buttons at the right time. Plus, I have a self-defeating personality disorder and people with this disorder consistently act against their best interest.

I isolated myself from all my friends who were trying to tell me that he was gas lighting me, but I did not believe them (possibly, as one of those friends is saying now, there was a bit of a Stockholm syndrome and protecting the aggressor present in my case).

During those years of being abused and isolating myself, I never was flirted with. I did not have a car and was using public transit a lot, and nobody except for one crazy homeless guy, ever paid any attention to me. In the past, people used to flirt with me all the time and pay attention to me a lot. All of that disappeared, and I thought that it would be for life. I basically felt invisible, as if non-existent.

After the last suicidal period, my then p-doc gave me a little Prozac, which picked me up enough to help me find a job and start interacting with people, smiling a bit and having them smile back. It felt as if Prozac had revived my old self.

After 6 months, and, not instantly but over a period of several months (and still ongoing), I severed the connection with ex H (even though it means, right now, that I cannot see my daughters, but I would not submit to abuse even if I have to pay such high a price, atm), saw the situation for what it is, and, basically, had a reawakening.

I stopped taking Prozac when I realized that I could do without that crutch (but I am enormously thankful for Prozac which saved me when it was so needed, so I am not trying to be anti- or for- medications).

All the old social skills and the ability to attract people came back ten-fold.

I think this is because now, every time a tiniest interaction happens - say, slight flirting with a grocery store clerk (usually a guy, but does not have to be), just to say that we noticed each other and tried to make each other's day better, is a BLESSING. And I am aware, every moment, that I could have easily died (the suicide attempt was major and I was on ventilator for several days) and not lived to this day and never met this friendly clerk. So I am thankful for everything.

And people around me notice me again, flirt with me, smile at me, etc. But I no longer take it for granted, and each such interaction is a blessing that I value as one should value blessings.

Since I am older and plumper and, as you know, younger, thinner women tend to get noticed more, there should be a reason for why I get noticed even more than when I was young. So I think it is because when I was young, I took all of that attention for granted, and that was "written on my face" (arrogance, essentially). And now I do not - I am thankful. Because I remember how it was living as an empty space, an invisible person. And I always remember that I lucked out living to this day.

So I think that my being thankful is written on my face as well, and people pick up on that and are happy to talk to me, befriend me, etc.

The reason it might be relevant for you: to the extent that you are TRYING to get attention, it is written on your face. If you start appreciating every interaction, rather than treating it as a task, things might improve.

Sorry for such a long story, and I hope you see the point.