(This is long and rambling, I'm sorry, just not in a good place at all)

I have been so stirred up both internally by trauma work in therapy and externally by out of control life circumstances. My eating disorder is putting my tired, worn out little body through hell and my head wakes up in a constant state of (insert fear, anxiety, depression). I feel so split and dissociated most of the time and other times, feel as though I am fighting a groundswell of emotions. I have no real life support- in fact, I have the opposite. My T is the only person I have opened up about my trauma history with and we have been together for 6 months. And here I still am so entrenched in my disorder and caught somewhere between emotional hell with thoughts of ending it all and emotional numbness. I feel like I am losing my grip on myself and life. T and I have had a mini- break but still had phone contact. Today we had an in-person session and I was trembling with sadness and anxiety. My heart breaking that the walls were up, that I couldn't get out all the feelings and instead, the hopeless and jaded woman who hates herself and the world sat there and wasted an hour with " nothing we say can possibly change my life so it really doesn't matter..."

And I left knowing that I don't trust myself or T or therapy to make it okay. Nothing he can say can make the other 23 hours of the day more bearable. How can I do the trauma work when he can't help me manage these feelings, this utter hopelessness and despair? How can I recover when no one in the world cares for me except for me?

When I got home, I sent T a brief email quitting therapy saying I couldn't continue and how appreciative I was of his willingness to work with me.

He wrote back saying he understood I was in a bad place today, offered a free closure session and didnt like me ending therapy this way, still believed I could recover but respected my wishes. Thought it was better to end face to face.

No warmth or conviction of emotion and this closure session sounds like something designed to leave a T feeling better- how the **** can someone in my current state benefit from a closure session? I'm in hell and don't even understand why I quit, even more baffled by this response- shouldn't he be telling me I'm crazy to quit with all this trauma work looming? Someone help.