I'm sorry you're in such a bad place and are struggling so much. It seems as though you were hoping that T would give you reasons to not quit therapy instead of honoring your decision. I know that my T would honor that decision as well, regardless of whether or not he believes it's in my best interest.

I'd imagine it would be worthwhile to reach out to your T with what you wrote here, so he is aware of what you're going through and what you need. It seems that you don't truly want to quit therapy. You want relief and you want to hang on to some sense of hope that things will get better.

I read a book about trauma work called Healing Tasks, and one of the important early steps is developing a support network in real life in order to be able to cope with the feelings that trauma work and therapy elicit. Also, to have outlets for the pent up negative energy - exercise, screaming at the top of our lungs, smacking a tree with a stick, etc. It may be worthwhile to talk to T about working on getting some of these steps in place before jumping back in to the deep work.

(( HUGS ))