wow, thanks for your answers, everyone. Sammi and Jacq, I'm not sure where to post this because i've seen posts from you guys on other threads that I could have written as well. You're right about that new person, I don't really remember when I wasn't like this and don't always know what to do with myself now. I'm really (I don't want to say happy because I know what you guys are feeling) comforted that it isn't just me that has these thoughts.

I had that close friend to talk to, that's a long situation that is exactly what Simon (I think) wrote in the Toy post today. D and I both had huge issues this year. I let him lean completely on me for everything. I relied on him too. He tried to commit suicide one night last winter and called me to save him. I helped him get himself get back together and let him use me for support all summer. I should really post this on the other thread but the gist is he threw me out when he didn't need me anymore and that drove me to my edge. That crash was when I decided to get help. So while I would love to be that close to someone, I can't bear to let my heart get smashed like that again.

so that was a tangent... I get the empty house analogy too. It makes me sad to think how much of me has always been wrapped up in all the dark stuff. That now my house is completely empty. I don't know how to be any other way. I know the words now and why my old thinking has been the problem, but I can't get it all together. It still feels like a play, I say this and then I should feel like that. You know?