so i had T today. she was 10 min late getting me. i walk in the room and the chair was way back against the wall again, things were moved around and everything felt wrong again . T apologized and said she was ran a bit over on a phone call. there was a bottle of cleaner next to my chair. she picked it up apologizing again saying that she was shampooing the carpet and then sat in her chair. i was kind of freaking big time .nothing was OK .i was going over the reasons she needed to shampoo the carpet and was on the phone and everything. i was convinced she hated me and that i didn't need to be there .i wanted to run out of her office. i felt she would rather be dealing with her carpet ,or be on the phone,etc.. and then i was hating myself for even thinking these things.how selfish it was for me to do so. i was freaking in my head. i just knew i was going to leave and then cause all kinds of drama about how i behaved in there and that she would never want to see me again. all this crap was going crazy in my head. i couldn't say anything again . but a few minutes before my session was up i asked if i was going to be able to come back next week. i just wanted to know .i guess i just needed to know that it was OK. she actually answered me. once she could figure out what i was asking because i was just about whispering. at first i thought she said no. but what she actually said was sure i was allowed to come back .then she asked why was i asking . i said i was worried because i was kind of acting like a jerk.

she said she would like for me to not try and judge myself so much. that we have been talking about the mother a lot in the past few weeks. she said she knows it is so hard for me to be open .and that i have been these last few weeks. she said that it makes sense that i am scared and that is why she thinks i feel the need to be quiet. that it is completely understandable that i am overwhelmed .

i am not sure if it was avoiding talking about the mother or reacting to all the things that were different.maybe it was both. i was not able to tell her much more then what i did. i did say that even when i am trying to ignore her the mother is always in my head . so my T said that i need to try and not think about her this week. that anytime i start thinking about the mother to stop and try to think of something else. do something else. i don't know how to do this . my T was so simplistic about it. it was the end of our session so that was it .just stop thinking about it.

i saw that i was heading to a horrible week of thinking my T was going to hate me for not being able to talk in T .i could see myself sending an e-mail saying i was not coming back .kind of hurting her before i get hurt. etc... and a bunch of drama. i asked her if i was able to come back.she said yes and seemed to understand what was going on .she made it OK and i don't need to be freaking out .i know it doesn't seem like a big deal to peeps but it was so huge for me. now i don't have to go all week worrying about it .i just asked.

now any ideas on how to not think about the mother all week??