Well...I'm new to this. I hope I don't take up too many characters with this, but if I do it's because I want to vent, so sorry in advance.

As I said, I'm new to this. I haven't really spoken with anyone, online or in person, about my issues. I have had discussions with a couple of people, but they weren't very long discussions, nor all that in depth, despite one of them helping me to realize what my problem probably is.

I suppose I should give a bit of background on me, first. Well, I'm 17 years old (I don't know if that's too young on this forum, but what the hell) and I'm a guy. I've been out of education for a year after a stupid decision I took to leave in 2012, but luckily I've secured a place at a university and I start in September. I'll be moving out. Finally, I live in the UK, more specifically I live in Scotland.

So then, onto my issues...Again, I apologize if I end up going on for ages, but I suppose I'm just setting this down, letting it out, venting etc. Anyway, here goes.

As I said, I left education last year, and I think that may have been where my problems started. I could have stayed on for another year, got more qualifications and I probably would have had a better time. But I didn't. I've never really told anyone the main, real reason I left- and it's so stupid that I feel embarrassed now. I have irritable bowel syndrome, and over my final year at school my stomach was sometimes embarrassingly loud in class for no reason whatsoever. (Let out your laughs now please...) I think this is when anxiety set in. I became paranoid and tried to take useless measures against it. I even skipped school a few times before I left, though it was at the end of the year. Still, I was a good student (I got the top grades in my exams that year, another reason I should have stayed on) and it was a low point for me.

I still suffer from IBS and I'm still anxious about going out due to it- I've seen my doctor and hopefully I'll improve it before going to university, but it still makes me so anxious. Anyway, I left school, and rationalized this action...and then the last year happened. Just a year of nothingness. Absolute nothingness. Just sitting around the house all day. I'm an introvert by nature, I admit, but I have to stress this- I have no social life. I barely have any friends. So I've spent this last year sitting in my house, alone, upset, regretful. And perhaps this is when depression set in.

I've not had myself diagnosed- but every website I've checked has convinced me I suffer from depression. I almost feel as if I'm being personally described when I read the symptoms. A friend online gave me a link to someone's depression story, and I totally related to it...it was a revelation. This is when I started researching it, and as I said I've concluded I suffer from it. I also think I may, perhaps, have some form of Asperger's, given my social awkwardness and physical clumsiness. I also have a cousin who has Asperger's so it could be something in the family. I've also had relatives who suffer from depression and other mental illnesses, so I've got a family history of this stuff.

So...Depression, anxiety, OCD (I've had it before, still do; I was diagnosed with it), possibly Asperger's. Not good. This past year has been awful. Absolute nothingness. Boredom, loneliness, and my recent over eating. I've put on weight recently. I've been overweight for a while, but I've really gone overboard lately...I'm trying to diet right now, but when reading about depression tonight and whilst watching a mental health documentary about teenagers in a psychiatric ward I got upset and just lapsed. I build up a great picture, don't I? Fat, depressed, socially inept, OCD, anxious, lonely.

And then there's the way I can no longer enjoy things. Everything just feels so hollow, so much of an effort, so pointless...I've lost energy, I find it difficult to sleep, and many times over the past, empty year I've slept well into the day after staying up for most of the night. I had one very, very bad day where I actually slept all day past 11pm- 11pm! Unbelievable.

Also, I think the OCD has really been resurgent. I don't know how to explain this, but I am unable to watch things, or read things, or appreciate things, without a rigid schedule, or a rigid knowledge of the thing...Ugh, I can't explain it! Like, if I sit down to watch Doctor Who (my favourite show) I can't do it without having greatly recapped in my head everything that's happened before so that I have, say, a sort of table in my head of all the aspects of the show, and when watching the thing, if I'm on my own, I pause it every so often to "update" this table in my head, and if I'm not on my own I usually watch it again to do it in this way. I don't know if that makes sense, but it's the best I can do to describe it.

I've probably missed out a few things here, but hopefully the main gist of my problems has gotten across. I've also smoked a few times recently...I don't think that's much of a problem. However, it first started a couple of weeks ago when I considered suicide. The bar above this says "No suicidal posts, please" so I hope I'm not transgressing any rules by describing this.

Anyway, there was a row at home a few weeks ago (that's another thing: I irritate so easily, and there can be rows a lot, and I've damaged a few things in my house out of sheer anger, though in this case it was because of something else there was a row) and I got so upset that I wanted to kill myself that night. I even left the house, went to the park, smoked (someone had offered me a cigarette earlier, I took it, and then I stole one of my mum's that night), drank (juice, not alcohol) and read a few parts of some books, with the general idea which had somewhat faded by that point of utilizing the bridge and railway track to end it.

I didn't go through with it; as I said the idea had faded by that point...but still, I've self harmed (not a huge amount, but still) and for a while now I've considered what I call the merits of non existence. I don't think I'm suicidal, but it would certainly be a lie to say I didn't like the thought of not existing.

So...those are my issues, as best I can describe them. I'm not sure why I'm posting this here. I suppose the title asks for help. Maybe that's why. I don't feel like I can talk to my parents, or my doctor, or my (very few) friends. I can't talk to anyone in person about it...not just because I feel awkward, but also again due to my larger problem of social ineptness. Actually, I think that's one of my biggest problems...my loneliness. I've often put on a brave face, as they say, and I usually act like the type of person who enjoys loneliness. I make remarks about not wanting to associate with "eugh, other people!" That's a mask, however. At my core, I am lonely as...well I was about to say the f-word there, I'm not sure that's allowed. I'm lonely. I mean, I'm an introvert, I'm never going to be a party animal, but I do want friends and some sort of social life, some sort of ability in this arena...

Anyway. That's all I can write. Am I just venting, or asking for help, or both? I don't know.

Thanks for reading, if you made it even halfway through, never mind this far.