well im learning the hard way just like with everything else that drinking cup after cup of coffee makes my brain feel like its firing neurons 1000 miles an hour. with this comes unbearable paranoia, anxiety, & i just feel paralyzed in panic. no sleep last night cuz yesterday i did the same behavior. im ocd also so its hard to control counterproductive behaviors even though i know theyre gonna send me into this state. i know im ultra sensitive to caffeine yet i do this over & over. i just wanna lay down & go into a deep rem sleep for just a few hours. by Gods grace & answered prayer i was able to get 1 & .5 xanax but that brought me back down to normal but not enough to go to sleep. i get my klonopin refill tomorrow thank the Lord & i had to learn the hard way not to pop them like candy but take them the way theyre prescribed. my husband is gonna keep them & give them to me cuz its too much temptation if theyre in my hands. 29th is my therapist appt & i cant wait to see him. also today it hurt me like i wasnt already in a bad enough state. my mom called & wanted me to go out shopping & i told her i was having a bad day with high anxiety. she sarcastically said "u have alot of bad days. a couple of weeks ago i had a bad day." i dont understand cuz she had printed stuff off the internet about bpd & she read it on paper my p & t signed saying my diagnoses for my disability. she even said she wanted to talk to my therapist about what was going on with me. then she makes these smart insinsitive comments that hurt me & make everything worse. when i had my manic state at the beginning of the month & had to go to the ER she said "you know we have a saying at work. be a big girl & pull up your britches." i know shes been through alot with me & my brother but why does she have to kick me while im down? shes also in her 50s so she comes from the time when mental illness was taboo. i guess maybe its frustration along with guilt maybe for not getting us help when we were young kids.