I've never talked to anyone about this but have thought about it for years. First time on these forums. Reaching out and hoping someone somewhere has some insight. <3

I'm not really sure where to start. I was 18 I first had sex. Now I'm 25 and I've had over 40 sexual partners, mostly one night stands. I've worked as an exotic dancer and a webcam model, all in secret, like this weird double life that no one knew about. I have rape fantasies and often have dreams about it, which are sometimes hot, and sometimes terrifying. Always dissociate during sex and sometimes feel so guilty and ashamed it's hard not to cry. I've never had an orgasm with another person, only myself. Watch tons of porn. Men have always been like this game to me, something for me to win and conquer and use.

Now I've been with the same guy for over a year (a long time for me) and I'm starting to feel so lost. Having sex has become this chore, this thing I have to do every couple weeks. I can't even look at him during. I just go somewhere else in my mind and then fake an orgasm when I want it to be over. I'm so incredibly lonely. He says he loves me and I feel like the worst person in the world.

I'm trying to figure out how I got to be like this, but I can't. My life has always been fine and normal and I only have happy childhood memories. So what's wrong with me? Why am I so messed up??