You have never had sex. that is the problem.

You USED sex to play certain games with men.

But you have never had sex. Which is why you cannot orgasm with anybody but yourself.

Which is why you dissociate.

You need to at least stop faking orgasms because it is very stupid. I am not sure it warrants leaving the partner altogether to figure out what you really want at this point, but at least do him and yourself a favor and start being a little honest.

Having a double life as an exotic dancer in secret sounds totally benign by itself, though. Dissociation during sex sounds ... not benign at all.