That's what I am trying to figure out. He considers the kiddo to be extended family, as you put it: "I feel like in most ways, he's not even really my kid."

I have so much fear and anxiety concerning this situation, I want to avoid it, but am meeting it head on. I have a symbol problem. The kid, while being a little breathing ball of genetic material running around, is also symbolic. I don't like reminders of his past relationships, who does? He is also a reminder that I will be the second "baby mama" in his life if we progress that far. I don't want that. Then there's my stubborn little two year old self digging in her heels at being made to do something she doesn't want to do. Yes, I consciously know I am making the choices here and no one can MAKE me do anything.

I go between being okay with everything, hating my bf...because well....why not?, and a teary little blob (where I am now) because of a reality I can't change and must accept for this relationship to work out.

He's tired of my mood swings and, frankly, so am I. I want them over and done with and make a damn decision. I am exhausted.