im was so upset when i got home this evening. i asked her if i was more nuts than most people she sees and she said "of course not. you re not nuts you re just..." and then was silent. so i said "nuts" and she didnt contradict me. then later she said she knows how hard it is for me to talk but that i should try at least. i know i sit there in silence for ages sometimes but i really am trying to talk! ive told her so much and every word i say is like carving out a piece of myself! i cant sit there and just babble happily away. i dont WANT to tell her how my parents reacted when i came out to them. i dont WANT to tell her about how i feel before i purge. i dont WANT to sit and chat happily about how i od'ed before i told them. i even said the word purge today for the first time to someone else irl and that was so hard never mind a detailed exposition on how i FEEL about it!
i think i scare her. she was frowning so i asked if she was mad and she said no she was concerned because i throw up a lot and my diet is really bad. i KNOW my diet is really bad! she said it like three times as if i should say something else about it and all i could think was i KNOW this! my mind blanks when im in her room. all i can do is answer any questions she asks with one line or even one word and then nothing else comes to mind. sentences dont flow. one thought leads to a vacuum, not to the next thought. any ideas anyone on how i can break out of this paralysis??
and then for next week she wants me to tell her how i want to change my life. if i knew how to do that i wouldnt be seeing her!

i know she cant help me if i dont talk and i know i have to be the one to direct where things go and to tell her what i want cos she can only support me not dictate my path for me. but its so hard!! i suck at this. i cant believe im failing at therapy. i have to be really sick and disgusting to be able to make a therapist mad. ok i have to try harder. i have to really try this week to write out what i need and maybe i ll write out my thoughts or memories on some of the things we were talking about this week and see if she will read them rather than me talking. it might be easier for me to talk about something thats already on paper.
i feel really disgusting right now. like i must never get near anyone becaues im too contaminating. just shutting mind off now. wish i could shut off this feeling inside too.