(So... I know this could fit into the psychotherapy forum... but... I'm not really comfortable there, and this Iw as typing into the bipolar daily thread but it was getting way too long for that).

In the past day and a bit I've had three appointments - an eye appointment (whereupon I got to learn that my prescription hasn't changed much, THANK GOODNESS), an appointment with my EAP/psychologist, and my first appointment with Mental Health Guy.

EAP appt: Went well. I covered what's gone on in the past month really, and ranted about my panic with the psychiatrist appointment and the issues with my friends. I think he's decided to take on a supportive role as that's what I'm lacking - he basically told me that I've done a really good job managing things on my own and other such things. It seems insincere, but I appreciate it anyway.

Mental Health Guy: I have a feeling that we are going to drive each other crazy for at least a while. I don't know what I think about that, but it will probably be for the better in the long run.

He was asking questions about my history as it was our first time really talking just us, and really, I hate having to talk about my family. Yes, my family is effed up. Yes, I recognize that that's had an impact on me. Yes, I know that it's not the best situation to have pretty much no contact with them. No, I do not want to reconsile. No, I do not plan to talk to them about these things. He asked at one point if I wanted to try to improve things with my family. I said that there was no way I would ever talk about any of this with them. I try to be a good daughter, even now I still try. I have given up SO MUCH of myself trying that I don't see a reason to continue. They are who they are, they do not think that there has ever been anything wrong with them, they do not listen, and I am fully aware that they will not change. It definitely sorta got me in a bit more of a defensive mood.

I started to cry twice when it came to talking about self-worth and self-esteem. Which was frustrating. He asked how it's so different for me with work-me and the rest of me.. I don't really know. They're two very different parts of life for me.When we were talking about activities and he asked about volunteering, and about maybe volunteering with the boys and girls club here.. I said that it was too much like work. "But from what you say you really love work." "Yes, but it isn't my life. It's just a part of my life. Currently the only part I like."

I think by the end he was starting to understand that variety is really key for me.. and that it's why I'm ahving so many problems here.

He said that I was definitely a lot calmer than when I went to see the psychiatrist.. I guess I was rather hypo that day. I said "oh.. I didn't think I was. I was agitated and trying not to panic or freak out." He said that I probably would have talked his ear off.

There were a lot of times where I was close to snapping or *****ing because I guess I was just on edge with the things he was saying or whatnot.. and sometimes I just didn't know how to answer things. And sometimes I felt stupid and contradictory and stuff like that. And embarassed. haah. I think I felt a lot of things.

He also gave me a stack of papers to read through. So far I haven't read anything about bipolar that I didn't already know.

And I need to have some goals picked out for next week. I guess my goal of "accept that I'm living here and then get back off meds" wasn't the kind of goal he wanted. I don't know what kind of goal he wants me to try working on??? That's currently what I want. I don't know what other goals to pick Normally I'm good with goals... but I'm drawing a blank.

Bah. I'm really emotional today, I think talking to both of them about different things took a lot out of me.