im sorry you are going through this, i wish i knew about this before, i would have tried to help. so firstly, sorry for that.

what has started making you beat yourself up so much, this isnt you! the christina i know is strong and i am so sure she isnt far away right now. you are in a pit at the moment, we occasional fall into them. we do learn to drag ourselves out one way or another, the main thing we need to remember is to consistently do positive things, even if its for half an hour a day or so. do something that makes you happy, makes you have a smile on your face. even if its watching a cartoon, it doesnt have to be anything big, just as long as you have a healthy, happy distraction every so often.

it seems to me that the stresses of universaty are taking their toll on you and that is dragging you down so much. so just hang on in there until term ends. you are doing great so far canders, so keep up the hard work. and as for the exams. if it wa sme i would stop worrying about them and accept them for what they turn out to be. theres no use in worrying about them, worrying isnt effective. just do as much studying as you feel comfortable with doing, it doesnt have to be alot, but as long as it is something. and if you fail them, well theres always next year, or the year after. there is no law that says you have to pass this year. you are still so young, you have a lifetime ahead of you to do these exams properly. your mental health is a whole lot more important that any exam in the world. concentrate on being happy first, then everything else in life will fall into place, including your studies.

i remember when i was at the place you are now, mentally i mean, and i remember i used to think everything was my fault, even things were my fault that couldnt possibly be my fault, like being born! everything was my fault, and i wouldnt accept anything else.it does tie you down so much.

you are here on earth for a reason canders, and i am so sure i know what it is...you are a fantastic person with such a kind, warm caring heart. you hold alot of love and care for others, it isnt hard to see that. you are truly appreciated here at PC and so many of us care about you, just look at the lenght of this post lol! its entirely natural and understandable to be in the place you are in right now, but it will pass. once the stress of exams are over you will feel a large weight being lifted from your shoulders, trust me i know. you can then concentrate on yourself and on getting better.

depression is a chemical imballance in the brain, therefore it is not your fault at all, not even 1%. we cannot control these chemicals, nor can be stop them in an instant, god only knows ive tried. i tried everything i could think when i was there, i even nearly commited suicide. luckily i didnt and i decided to fight it. but i had to surrender to it first to do so which is what i did by nearly commitng suicide. im not for one second advising you try at all, i only got as far as holding the tablets, i didnt actually take them. all i am saying is for you to accept that these feelings you have arent your fault and just embrace them. you are such a strong person, thats why you havent SI'd yet, nor have you attempted suicide. you wont allow any harm to come to yourself. you have so much strength that you dont see yet, but i see it. and so do others here. ask anyone!

i will tell you EXACTLY why that bloke ont he bus spoke to you. because he sat there and thought "wow, i like her, i want to get to know her", which he did. he sat there looking at you thinking how special you are, he realised the true, kind perosn you are, he didnt pity you, nothing like that. you are a great person,a nd he was obviously the type of person to see that. you will find the right guy one day, who will give you so much love, all the love you deserve (LOADS!!) and who you will love dearly too. and you will ahve a nice loving family with you too. you will have a good career where you are happy, i just know it.

sorry for going on abit, but i really felt your pain when i was reading your posts. i can see you are in a lot of agony. i just wish there was more i could do for you. the only thing i can offer is my never ending support. i am the other end of a pm anytime you need me ok, just shout my name and i will be there.

the pain will pass, i promise. look at me, it did for me because i accepted the pain as it was and just thought "i am better than this, however much i hate myself, i am better, and i will defeat this", and look at me, i did. it wasnt easy but i got there. its the same for others here at PC too, we have all been faced with such a hard hard journey on such a rocky, rough road, many of us have/had no support, but we manage because we are all good people who have the strength to overcome this.

maybe you could go to your Dr. and ask for anti depressants, or if you are already on some, go and speak to him and tell him they dont help. and keep up the therapy. one session alone wont make a change, its many over a long space of time that do the trick. just stick at it.

take care of yourself and remember what i said, i am here for you. so many of us are. you are certainly not alone and remember - "a problem shared is a problme halved". now imagine that over many people.

speak soon

simon