My marriage hit rock bottom about 3 weeks ago when my wife hit me with the famous line, "I love you but I'm not in love with you". We had a fight between us about 6 weeks prior during which time she barely spoke to me at all and would not discuss the issue. Well it turns out that what happened six weeks prior was not the issue, but the proverbial last straw. Here's the background... I assure you this will get interesting shortly.

My wife and I have married for 13 years and together for 15 total. We have three children: 12, 9, and 5 years old. When she was pregnant with the 5 year old, an incident occurred which caused me to admit to her (8 years into the marriage, 10 years into the relationship) that I had often crossdressed when I was younger and occasionally in my adult years(always in private). This of course hit her like a ton of bricks, as she alternated between upset, feeling betrayed that I never told her, feeling sympathy for me, etc. We discussed with marriage counselor for one session, and we each had individuals sessions briefly. She did not feel the sessions were working for her and she quit going. I completed several sessions with a therapist who specialized in people like myself, and he eventually discharged me saying that I had things other control. We sorta swept the problem under the rug, with the understanding that it was not going to be tolerated in our home and that I would not do it anymore. The baby was born shortly after and we rarely spoke of it ever again. Occasionally she would ask me if I was having "urges" and I always tried to be as honest as I could that "yes, sometimes I still think about it, but I'm not doing it". She has never seen me dressed, I have never tried to get her to accept that part of me, never tried to justify it, never tried to make it part of our lives. To me, it was a non-issue.

Fast forward 5 years ... apparently she never got over it. As the fight from 6 weeks ago occurred, her years of struggling with this issue just finally took over. She basically told me she has no passion for me, that she doesn't know if it would ever return, that she has struggled with this off an on for 5 years and it's never gotten better. She still refuses to talk to a therapist or a marriage counselor or anyone... other than her Mom (who in her opinion, this is not that big of a deal).

So where are we right now? We're in that mode of, do we stay together for the kids? Are we better off separated? Where one day I think she still loves me and cares for me, the next day I think she wants me to leave. She always reminds me that we are here "because of you". Yet this is the only beef that she seems to have with me. She acknowledges that I treat her well, that she has no question about my feelings toward her and that I truly do love her, that I work hard for her, etc. She says it "sucks that she can't get past this" because other than this, her life was perfect. She has said very clearly that all our issues tie back to that one night. I think her ideal situation right now is for us to stay together for the kids - but I think it's really because she doesn't want to be a single mother with three children, have to find a job, and possibly struggle. Not fair to me (or her) to stay in that situation with someone who may never tell me she loves me again, may never kiss me, or have sex with me again. But I feel like if I stay I still have that .00001% chance that I can win her back.

As a husband, I clean, I do my share of taking care of the kids, I have a good job, I work a lot, but I'm always home when needed, I wash my own clothes, I do all the cooking, ... in short, most of our friends know that I do way more than most husbands do, and most think too that she takes a lot of that for granted - though I think that may have a lot to do with 5 years of pent up tension... she forgot how to appreciate what I do for her, or maybe she thinks I just owe it to her. ????

I personally do not want the marriage to end. I love her with all my heart and it would truly kill me to see her with someone else. If she would change her mind tomorrow I would have no resentment whatsoever about what we went through, and would never ask for an apology. I understand to a degree where she's at..., I just feel like she's throwing away 15 years, over something that was basically an issue for one night. I even spoke to a priest about it, and surprisingly even he thought the crossdressing was really a non-issue given everything else that I told him about our marriage prior and since. He can't understand why she is so "black and white - with no gray in between". She doesn't like to talk about it, so I'm having a hard time getting specific details about what she is hung up on. She says she forgave me a long time ago about the betrayal for not telling her, but I guess it tarnished her image of me and she can't get that out of her head.

So my question... to the ladies: when you start feeling this way, what in the world can possibly change my situation? Have any of you been in this situation where you found out this type of secret years later (with an otherwise perfect husband) and you could never get over it? As I see her continue to withdraw from me, is it possible that a separation could be a wake up call for her and force her to deal with her feelings? My fear is that it would completely backfire and she'll realize she's much happier without me.

I feel like I'm reaching the end. I would fight until my death for her, but I have to realize at some point that I just may not be able to win this one. I started keeping a journal to keep track of things that were said between us and how I feel from day to day and how she treats me daily. Things are tense (and quiet)... we don't fight much, but it's getting to the point where we almost don't talk at all. We have good days and bad days. I don't think she's having an affair, but she does get a lot of attention from men, and I'm afraid that in this "pretend" marriage that she is proposing that she would have no reason to tell another man "No".

Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. I tend to ramble so if there is more detail needed, please ask. I'm an open book here right now and desperate for advice.

Thanks.