We're friends, so I hope it's transparent to you that I mean well. I think you could benefit a lot from therapy. I think you're more than a little bewildered now, which in my not so humble opinion is perfectly understandable. What I think you need is someone who can be of assistance to you and guide you away from unproductive thoughts as you make your own sense of things. I've been in therapy for years, and while I've had it up to here with therapy now (for reasons I'm sure you can relate to), it has been helpful. Even though my therapists were never wells of wisdom to me. They probably haven't told me anything I didn't already know or suspect. And I suspect they told me all of it. So there.