I have this desire, this need, for unconditional acceptance by my therapist. Let me explain:
I very much want for my therapist to BELIEVE that I hurt my kids, when in reality I don't. (anger and rage yes, but actually hurting them, no). So I would tell her that I'm hurting the kids and would like for her to be accepting of the bad in me. If I tell her I hurt my kids and she says, "You gotta stop that!" I feel I've been rejected. I am only acceptable when I do 'good', when I 'behave'.
AND I WANT THE BAD IN ME TO BE ACCEPTED! I WANT UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE!

Now, before I see those fingers begin to wag.....
Intellectually, I understand the therapist's role as a mandated reporter. I understand her role as a protector of the children. Intellectually.
But that doesn't take away the emotional need that I have. For unconditional acceptance. For accepting the bad in me.

It is nearly impossible, if not totally impossible, to ever obtain that kind of acceptance from a therapist. From a friend, yes, but not from a therapist. The nature of a therapist's role precludes her accepting a mother's statement of hurting her children.
So I have this desire, this need, this yearning, that when I say I am hurting my kids, this badness in me should be accepted. Not try to get rid of it. Yet the therapist's role precludes that kind of acceptance. How do I reconcile the two?
And when I get this acceptance, I myself, on my own, am able to use my mind and avoid hurting them. I don't need anyone standing over me with a stick, telling me "You can't hurt your kids!" I can make sure not to hurt them, but I need to know that the urge to hurt them, or even if I would actually hurt them, that that badness in me would be acceptable.
Funny thing is, that I do not accept the idea of hurting my kids. So why am I asking of my therapist to accept this in me? Hmm....
And remember what I stated at the start of this post, I want my therapist to BELIEVE I am hurting the kids, even though I am not actually hurting them.

Please bear with me as I try to make sense of this.... Y'see, I try to apply psychodynamic thinking to my struggles, as opposed to cognitive-behavioral interventions.
If you have some insight to share, I would love to hear...
If you wanna tell me that I dare not hurt my kids, or that therapist HAS to do what she does, better save that for the person who has an interest in hearing that kind of talk.
Your understanding is much appreciated!