I feel like at times I just don't know what I am. I'm like I can be compassionate yet i can also be very heartless to those who have contempt for me, the ones who have verbally abused me in the past.
i compare myself to some of the historical figures in history. Take, Queen Mary the first, for instance. She was a religious fanatic and she had a poor childhood. She could have made better choices by not murdering 3 hundred protestant leaders at the stake for being who they are. But that's because those guys had persecuted her for her faith and she just wanted revenge to punish them for trying to get rid of an essential part of her life and wanting to convert her. That's the worst thing for her to have done, but if she had therapy back then in england and if she were more openminded and more science-oriented like her half-sister queen elizabeth she would not have been where she was, being a sad yet bitter woman enacting all these acts that she thought were absolutely right.
I felt that way once and wanted to be like her consumed with bitterness. Then I realized I had to get myself out of this mindset and it has been three years since I first watched the videos. I was always bitter and wanted all my enemies to be consumed like that.