Sorry to hear about your marriage problem. Its very unfortunate your wife is reacting this way and not willing to work on this. Does she by chance think you might be gay and this is why she's reacting this way? The majority of cross dressers are totally straight men. The fact you've kept this private and not expected her to accept you while you're dressed this way, should be acceptable IMO. Have you asked her if she's worried about the gay issue?

If this were me, I would rather accept this minor problem than deal with infidelity as I am now. I don't think you should live in this cold marriage, giving her everything/being a good husband just for the kids. She needs to decide if she really wants to throw the marriage away just because of the cross dressing. I've heard of husbands who even wanted to go out to dinner with their wives while cross dressing. Have you explained why you kept this from her - not because you didn't love her but probably afraid of her reaction.....you likely felt embarrassed. She needs to fully understand she can't act cold and still get all the comforts of marriage. Life will be harder if you split. Explain to her she really needs to do her part of this marriage or give it up. Best of luck and don't settle for less than you deserve.