Earlier this year, I attempted suicide. I am thankful every day that I was unsuccessful. I had to spend 5 days in the hospital (both regular hospital and mental inpatient facility). I was so, so thankful for my time there and that I was granted a second chance to live.

I found out yesterday that one of my friends committed suicide. I saw him less than two weeks ago. I didn't know him that well, but my boyfriend grew up with him, his family, and his other friends. I feel dreadful. I have an overwhelming sense of guilt. It's not fair that I got a second chance and he didn't. He was such a great person - truly great person. I am so sad that I didn't get to know him very well because I think I would have if I had the chance. I hope I can be there for my boyfriend and his friends. I feel so awful about this, so I can't even imagine how they feel.

Last night I had a dream that I ran into my exboyfriend and he was with a new girl, who shared my same name (though she looked different). I had to recount my entire story leading up to my own suicide attempt (which included his physical and verbal abuse) in an attempt to convince the other girl to leave him. My dream was extremely vivid, I can remember every detail.

I feel just awful. I'm expecting to wake up tomorrow (as I hoped to today) to find out it is all a joke. How could I have just been with him less than two weeks ago? And he seemed so happy. Which I know is easily faked because I've done it myself.

I just feel awful and there aren't really words to express it.