the suicide of someone we know is really hard to cope with. i understand the guilt you are feeling. i have been very suicidal all my life and recently have come to appreciate life as you have. i had a friend i was trying to reach to let her know the joy i had found as we talked a lot about wanting to die. it was too late. i found out that she had killed herself. i felt terrible that i didnt get to her in time, here when i was feeling so good about life. now i know i probably could not have saved her. each person needs to find their own path. a few of us are lucky. i am glad you have found your way.