I'm wondering if this is about... Your thinking that you have these bad thoughts / feelings / desires / urges / behaviours or whatever inside of you and you are concerned that if your t found out about them then your t would reject you? I'm wondering if instead of thinking about what those thoughts / feelings / desires / urges / behaviours or whatever the notion of hurting your kids has become a symbol for something that you believe is unacceptable within you. Or maybe it is that sometimes you think about hurting your kids or sometimes you have an urge to hurt your kids and you are worried that if she knew about that then she would reject you?

Maybe while part of you wants unconditional acceptance another part of you fears rejection and thus wants to test her, to see whether you can push her away or whether she will stick with you and care about you despite this.

Does that latter bit make sense?

Maybe your example of hurting your kids is supposed to be the ultimate test of her regard for you because of how the notion is repugnant even to you.

I guess you are trying to push her away good...
I guess that means you really care about her...
And to really care about someone is scary
Especially when we are afraid they might reject us if they knew more about our thoughts / feelings / desires / behaviour.

If this is right... Then could you talk to her about that instead?