Genetic ~

I know I'll never be able to stop all his triggers as they change from day to day...minute to minute but as you said I can do my best to keep our home as peaceful as possible. K suffers from OCD as well which I understand is common with this disorder? I scrub the house down with bleach daily...not all of it but the important areas like kitchen and bathrooms. I do it right before he comes home so he can smell it when he walks in the door. The kids and I do a mad dash to sweep and pick up everything right before he comes in. I have found this helps with the emotional outbursts when he first gets home and besides..nothing wrong with a clean house anyway.

He is good about his medications we just need to find the right ones. He is aware that he needs help and is accepting of finding it...just not the therapy. That will take some convincing.

I have a positive view most of the time but you know I'd be lying if I said it was all positivity covered in rainbows and unicorns. It's hard...really hard. Some days I don't think I can take another day with him...some days I take the kids and we go hide at the library or his mom's house..anywhere but home. Some days I seriously think about bashing him in the head with my cast iron skillet...twice. But even when I'm mad as hell and "punish" him by refusing to go to bed when he does (he hates that) I walk in our room and see him asleep and I just melt. There is such peace on his face and I sit down in my computer chair and just watch him sleep for awhile. I normally have a good cry to relieve my tension and I let it go. He's just a man...a person who didn't ask to be this way and no matter what he throws at me I still love him. So many people have thrown him away in his life...I refuse to be another one. In fits of rage he loves to throw in my face how weak he thinks I am because I don't fight him. But I'm going to show him I'm the toughest b**ch he's ever met because I'm the one who's going to stay.

My friend Jennifer is married to a man who has Bipolar 1. I talk with her often. They have been married for 13 years. At a time when I was seriously doubting whether or not I wanted to deal with this for the rest of my life I asked her just one question. Would you marry him again? She said yes. That's all I needed to know. I know that this will not be easy. I know that it will be a constant battle against this disorder and that there is no fix it pill or cure. I know the divorce rate is astronomical in this situation. I've done hours and hours of research. Most couples meet and marry and then find out the worst the other has to offer. This is different. I've lived day in and out with him unmedicated for 6 months. I've seen the worst he has to offer several times and I'm still here. I am still marrying him in 2 days.

I know that it takes much more than love to make a marriage work in the best of circumstances. I figure I have 4 things going for me. I'm a redhead...I'm Irish...I have formal education in this area and he is providing the experience...and most importantly I am madly head over heels in love with him and have no desire to leave him. Those 4 things put together with some Wellbutrin added in equals a determination that just won't quit.