Ok I really need to get this out. There may be triggers so if you're not up for it you don't have to read.

So my past few sessions have been very up and down with T. One week I'll go in with a smile on my face and tell T that I'm trying new things to keep the bad thoughts off of my mind and the next I'm sitting there with my head down sobbing. Well last week was a bigger roller coaster than ever. I went in content with myself and came out making a bit of a scene in front of the waiting room. Since then things have just gotten bad. I cannot for the life of me stop thinking about it. I even ended up having nightmares about it a few nights ago. My next session is in a couple weeks after my vacation with my family (which I'm not looking forward to) Ever since a couple nights ago things have gotten weird inside my head. I've started plotting a session to play out a certain way. I know it'll work too because I've sorta done it before.

Anyways, my plan is scaring me. At first I came up with the idea to go in and just sit in the corner of the floor curled up into a ball. For a while it seemed like a good idea, but then my mind started to escalate this behavior. I started thinking of what it would be like if I went in and started SI with a razor right in front of her. Oh my gosh.... I dont know what is happening to me. I know what her response would be too. She would try talking me out of it and eventually threaten to call the police if I didn't stop. (don't read on if u cant handle it because it gets worse)

Sitting in my bed yesterday I came up with the idea that I would allow her to threaten me with calling the police and then put the razor to my throat.... oh my god.... I can't believe I'm writing this. I would start yelling at her telling her to put the phone down and stay back. I know at this point she would probably lose her cool. And if she doesn't, I though to myself that I'd take it a step farther and start cutting my throat. My point being, I want her to lose her cool. I want to put her in the hotseat and I have no idea why. At first I thought to myself that maybe I just want to test her to see if I can really trust her. But then I realized, who on earth is that sick and twisted?!

Maybe I am just doing it for the attention??? I dunno. I know I am an attention *****, probably because I've been deprived of attention as a child. The worst thing is, now my mind has got it set that I am actually going to do this. The voices I hear keep telling me to tear T apart emotionally to see what she really is. I love my T and I don't want to do this to her, but I feel like it is already going to happen. Maybe this is just me being upset because she made me commit to not cut. There are so many emotions that have cropped up since I made that stupid promise. I feel like I am getting desperate at this point.

One thing I know about myself is that I am very good at ripping people apart emotionally through words and actions. I never do it purposely, but dammit I can tear apart anyone. I am the only one to make my own father cry in the last 20 years, and he is a very emotionally sound person. I really don't know what to do at this point. My heart and mind are set on making this happen with T. The worst part is that I understand the consequences that could happen and still want to do it. I have the option of calling, texting and e-mailing T anytime I need to but I cannot for the life of me bring myself to do any of those. I need help. And I'm not going back to the hospital for help because that place is worse than death itself.

What should I do? Should I just let T see me at my absolute worst if it means I will be able to determine how much I can trust her? I am just dreading this next session. Any help from you guys would be amazing right now. I just feel so helpless!!!!