I'm in a totally different place emotionally than you, so I feel like maybe I can't empathize enough. But I'm still gonna try and be helpfull -

You are in a lot of pain and you need something from your T. You need her to see something or to understand something and to then act in a certain way. The best way to reach this is to "just ask for it.". Believe me when I say I know how hard that is. I was just sitting here shaking like something silly because I sent my T an e-mail to ask for something.

You are in therapy to learn and to grow, not to sabotage yourself. Sent her this post if you have to. Just copy-paste, click send and then go curl up in a corner and see what happens.

Goodluck.