I can only imagine how awful this level of surviver's guilt must feel. Just remember that your attempt has absolutely nothing to do with someone else's, and that you never did anything to warrant your death over that of another. I remember my second attempt, and how guilty I felt once I attended an older family member's funeral after she lost a battle with cancer. When I saw my own family mourning at that hole in the ground, I realized that if I had been successful then they would have cried over my grave with even more intensity because of how much more senseless my death would have been. Just think about the fact that your loved ones are probably relieved that at least you survived, and that if you ask them yourself then that's exactly what they would say. And if they don't feel that way, that's not your fault either.