Thank you everyone for the kind responses. It's looking more and more like the separation may be necessary. I'm getting to the point as the distance becomes more and more between us, that even if it backfires on me, then I will be ok. I've had plenty of time to be upset about this, and it's bordering on anger now. I do think I deserve better than what is being offered to me right now, and so does my kids, and so does she if she truly feels the way she says she does.

AAAAA, I responded to your post yesterday but it still hasn't cleared the "review team" yet. But what you described as far as your feelings toward your husband seem to be exactly where she is right now. And I'm hoping the outcome will be the same as yours - though the dating on her part, and all the divorce drama and separation of funds, and shuffle of kids in the middle will be difficult on me.

Thank you anne059 for the kind words. AAAAA's post was spot-on.

Jannaku, I agree 100% that the punishment doesn't seem to fit the crime and that this falls under "through sickness and health". I actually thought that was how we got past this 5 years ago. I do believe she will find out the grass isn't greener - however, she even told me that she knows I will provide a great life for someone else and that she will always be a little bit jealous that it could have been hers. I told her, "then make it yours." If it's worth it to her, then do the counseling, talk to someone, make effort for another year. I can't convince her that her mindset is different now that she's a) not 8 months pregnant dealing with it, b) has had 5 years of trying to do deal with it alone, and c) has actually TOLD me now that there is still a problem. I really think someone can help her. At the present time she says she's not interested in finding someone else, that she could end up taking on men with more (and worst) baggage than this... but I know her, she won't stay single for long.

Lynn P. - you are absolutely right, she can't be this cold to me and expect the full comforts of marriage. I think that is where MY anger is starting to come into play right now. I'm the only one trying, though she is being civil for the most part. But she barely talks to me anymore. When I ask questions (even just normal daily answers), I get three word answers. She rarely initiates conversation unless she needs something. I do realize this is hard for her too, but I can't be the only one trying.

Lynn P., I did want to also address your question regarding the "gay" issue - we had that conversation numerous times after it happened. I educated her (as did her mom) that by far the majority were straight males and that it did not mean we were gay. I explained in my life that yes I had to do some self-analysis to determine if maybe I was, or if I had transgender feelings, but none of those ever turned out to be the case. I've never had gay experiences, never dressed in front of anyone else. My crime the day I had to tell her about it was that she caught me looking at pictures of crossdressed people on the internet. She didn't quite put 2 and 2 together right away and was basically accusing me of having a porn addiction (which I do not) and that I needed help. I didn't want her to have the wrong idea so I came clean, so she could understand WHAT I was looking at. It was not porn, it was YouTube videos of just people dressed, transforming, etc. I DO THINK that maybe what she saw in those pictures creeped her out enough that she pictures me in this way now - even though she's never seen it. She's always panicked that our sons would turn out this way too. We also discussed why I never told her about it before - because basically I thought she would leave me if she knew. And she pretty much confirmed that would have been the case - pre-marriage she wouldn't have stuck around, and 5 years ago when she found out she would have left if we had not already had 2 kids and one on the way.

At the time that I told her about it, I had never told anyone else. Since then, I did tell a few friends (one male and one female), and I've indirectly tried to feel out a few others. The 2 friends could not believe, as seems to be the common consensus here, that it was enough to be a dealbreaker. Even the priest that I talked to could not understand why she was so hung up on that. Especially since I wasn't pushing it on her or asking her to accept it, and voluntarily abstaining from it. I think in general people are more accepting of this now, but I guess I'll never break through her walls. Whatever happens, I made my peace with God, confessed my actions (and the thoughts and things that went along with it), did my penance. I just need her to forgive me now.

I now have to find the right time to make such a move. I'm not in a terrible hurry to get out of there, but that varies by the day. She has a surgery coming up that she will need me for during recovery. At the moment I can't afford to get my own place, and we will likely have to put our house up for sale when we decide to make things official, otherwise one of us (me) will be living on the streets. What I was planning to do, and I would like your opinions on this, is to propose a 6-week trial separation before we file any paperwork or do anything drastic. Basically, I'll move out for 6 weeks (and probably sleep in my office or crash from friend to friend during the week), continue to support her financially in the meantime, help with the kids when there are logistical issues, but not be around all morning and evening. For the kids, we can make/share visitation arrangements whether during the week or weekend, but it's done at our house, and she can go stay with her parents when it's my turn. Only rule is NO DATING during this timeframe and that we be open and honest during this time about where we are and what we are feeling. If after 6 weeks she thinks the separation is best - then we file and move on.. if not, then we will have to make sure that she has this dealt with and that it never comes up again.

Open to other suggestions as well...

Thanks to all of you.