I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down! That's a lot of stress finally commiting yourself to stopping the self-harm.

It sounds like you want T to feel the same way you do - powerless and scared and helpless. It sounds like you want to put yourself into a position above your T so that you can feel in control again?

I have a lot of trust issues, so I'm going to take this as my own way of dealing with control: I always feel like the people who have any control whatsoever over me? Those are the people who are going to break my trust. So if I don't let them have any control over me, then they can't break my trust because I'm already not giving them my trust. And if I have gave them some trust? Well, if I'm in control then they're having to trust me and I can clearly break their trust just as easily as they can mine.

I would guess that you're feeling something similar towards your T right now: you've given her some control (by promising to her that you're going to start working on ending the self-harm) and that that scares you. So you're thinking of ways to take away that control from T and in fact traumatize her.

Now, I don't believe that you're heartless. If you were heartless, you wouldn't self-harm because you wouldn't care. So consider very closely how you would be affecting your T, as a person. Not as a T. You need to think of her as a person, with emotions and feelings and troubles of her own. What sort of an impact would you have on her if you went in there with a razor and threatened to hurt yourself?

You could make her career a lot more difficult. She might need councelling herself from that. You would scare her, and make her worry about her own safety. I don't know if you work, but no one needs the stress of not even feeling safe at work. And yes, she would have every right to feel scared for her own safety even if you were only threatening to hurt yourself - the fact would be that you brought a weapon into her space.

Remember that your T is doing her job, and that her job IS to be someone you can trust. Her job IS to have a bit of control. Her job is to teach you to have that control yourself - she has no intentions of keeping it forever.

Talk to your T about how you're feeling. She doesn't need a performance to understand how scared you are. She is responsive to words; that is what she's trained for!

All you will accomplish if you were to act through on those fantasies is this: 1) you will hurt your T as a person, potentially scarring her for life 2) you will no longer get to see that T and will have to start all over with someone new, who will likely know about what you did 3) you will be put into the hospital and 4) you will possibly be charged for having a weapon and threatening harm.

You will not make T trust you. You will not get to see if you can trust T. You will not gain control over anyone or anything. You will not be helping yourself.

You should try printing out what you wrote above and taking that in to T. She'll understand that you're scared and need some way to have more faith in her, and that you want to feel more on an equal standing in regards to how things are going.