This is a public service announcement, brought to you by Lia! Please be advised that the below post may be triggering to (extremely) sensitive viewers.

Honestly, its nothing graphic, but you gotta be careful especially among such alot of new faces...

So things have been a bit weiiird

Been verbally constipated for almost a month, zero inclination to initiate any kind of contact, except for bf, but even that dwindled in the last 2 weeks... Mind you I had no problem talking your head off when I responded, just "couldn't" initiate any convos.

Been itching to spend money since last weekend, because it would make me feel better, so I stayed indoors and avoided shops all week successfully, because I knew I would give in to the impulse if the temptation was too overwhelming... I needed to feel better because I'm miserable, why? no reason, its just the nature of the beast.

Then about 2 days ago, I had a bpd night, I have them every 3 months or so by the looks of it. When appearing normal i.e. regulating my emotional responses and reactions to my bf becomes too much and I have a *****fit, triggered by something as trivial as an audible sigh.... Well this time, I kind of hurt my arm, nothing serious, dont freak, its just surface runs, none of my calming skills worked and I think the song "Tourniquet" by Evanescence kind of spiralled things a bit with all that stuff about blood, and I just wanted a quick fix.

It "fixed" it for about 20 minutes, so I smoked a blunt instead of actual SI...
Yes, I did, my first in idk how many years, and man do I remember why I stopped smoking
Well atleast I was stoned enough to sleep off my mood.

Anyway... that's just back story, a prologue if you will.

The last 2 days my mind has been buzzing, making mistakes at work when I was sure there should be none, but lucky I caught the big ones and fixed them myself in time! Been extra anxious, anxiety is not something I ever complain about, even though I have it daily, I just deal you know? But gosh I've been so jumpy its bordering on embarrassing...

Today is the kicker though... I found myself texting my niece, telling her to fetch me after work, we should go out for drinks. She's obviously puzzled and asked "why?", so I text "I feel really fkd up and just wanna fk it up one time" I had zero problem committing to spending 3 weeks worth of bus fair tonight, with no idea how to replace it!

Well that didn't happen because her mom couldn't babysit, but I realize I meant what I said to her about why...

So I've been really amped all day, came home singing and dancing (headphones) like a lunatic, with this URGE, to get fkd up, and I don't particularly care how. Whiskey, Tequila, drugs??? doesn't matter, I don't care. I wanna dance till the sun comes out or I pass out from whatever I'm ingesting!

I'm miserable inside, but behaving as happy and maniacal as can be!

Its confusing, and I have to do responsible things with money in the morning, and really don't trust myself!

Anyway, I'm just confused and worn out from the chaos, so thought I'd word vomit instead of fixating on the urge to be out of control...

None of this is new btw, this has been going on for years, its still unsettling though, and I atleast mostly try to isolate when I get sudden urges to get messed up.

Honestly, I shudder to think what I would get up to with more opportunity and less controlfreakness.

Ps. I dont have a history of drug and alcohol dependancy/addiction/abuse, thats why these urges are weird.

*End word vomit, wash, rinse and dry hands