And one of those bad ones where you end up crying just about all day... at work... progressing to an outright uncontrollable sob after work in the parking lot as you start talking to one of your friends. That's not to say I was miserable all day. I wasn't. Most people at work probably didn't even know anything was going on. I think anyway. Who knows.

Last night, after probably a good month of not hearing any voices, they came back in full force at 4am. I hate to sound dramatic but I think I literally wanted to die. I haven't slept right in about a week. I tried Trazodone, Tylonol PM... last night I gave up and tried Melitonin. Didn't work. Now that I think on it I did have one night of a straight 6 hours when I took trazodone.. but it hasn't worked since.

After work yesterday, when I had the full out uncontrollable shaking + sobbing for an hour, I told her how more than anything I just wanted everything to end. And the only reason I didn't was because I know how much of a pain in the *** that would make for everyone else to clean up. And I'm far too co-dependant of a person to do that. It's just so conflicting.

I'm just tired. Of all of it. It's always there or it always comes back. I'm miserable and I make everyone around me miserable. So really... what IS the point.

It was good to talk to my friend but it always ends up making me feel worse when I do that. Being like... the way I am... I DO keep everything inside, and I know it's bad, but I do know also that I goes away... eventually. I don't like to bother or confuse people. I don't like people to worry about me. I don't want people to think I'm weak... or sick.

I can hide things pretty well most of the time. It's like the fake switch and it's easy enough for me to turn on and off. My friend said it was because I was a Pisces... that made me laugh.