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I would push the button.
I know what I'm like between episodes, and even what's somewhere deep beneath the chaos when I am in an episode. I'm good with being that person -but better. Without the medications and all of their side effects (I think I would have a more consistent and higher level of energy overall, better memory, lots of things), I wouldn't have the guilt and humiliation of post-episodes, I'd be able to work on my psychological issues without episodes derailing the process, my relationships would be less unpredictable (changing radically with episodes). I wouldn't be overly suspicious morphing into paranoid, which is horrific. Etc.
I'd include depression here, but I've been relatively stable with that for years now; if it weren't for the medication I'm on, I certainly would be shouting from the rooftops that I do not want that no matter what.
When I'm going into mania, before I become manic, I do get (or *feel* I am) hyper-intelligent, quick-witted, spontaneous, etc. --good things, but at the end of the day, I can't be sure if this is how I perceive myself only and others think I'm just annoying and nuts or if some people are attracted to this (I think sometimes some people are). But if this could be cured, maybe I would be like that sometimes, but be like that in such a way as for me still to be conscious of my surroundings and what's going on with myself and others and it wouldn't get so out of control. I may be 'fun' in some ways when I'm like that, but I am also incapable of *true* (only heightened, otherworldly) connection with other people. When it's over it tends to leave me feeling lonely, amongst other things, I don't want that.
I don't want to be so out of control, or have the fear of becoming out of control -the fear of another episode. If I were 'cured' then, well, there's nothing wrong with some chaos, some 'craziness' but I'd opt for a more controlled chaos, one I could truly benefit from, one that doesn't get away from me and control the situation -and me.
I want to be cured.
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