As some of you know, I see a T who takes longish summer vacations, and am in the middle of his holiday now. He has told me to contact him on his mobile phone if I really need to - if I feel really desperately bad, or suicidal. I don't intend to contact him, of course. What could he do? In the weeks before his holiday started, I started talking a bit about my sui thoughts. I felt more comfortable doing that when I knew that he would not suggest medication - he is also a psychiatrist, so he can prescribe meds for me. I am not in any way anti-meds, and I know that many people are helped by them, but for personal, practical reasons I don't want to go on medication now.

I'm not going to top myself, that is not an option. I do, however, think a lot about dying. My T creates an environment that is very open, I know that anything verbal is allowed, and I have been able to verbalise my thoughts more than I thought possible. T encourages me to talk about what I am thinking (and I am not always able to do so, but it happens more and more, and gradually with greater ease) but he also challenges my thinking. All well and good, and very very hard, but that's therapy.

Now T is away, for five more weeks. It's been three weeks since I saw him. He said, in one of our last sessions, that since he 1) makes me confront all these difficult subjects and encourages me to dig up a lot of thoughts that I have kept hidden away, and 2) takes these rather long vacations, it is his [expletive deleted] responsibility to make sure that I have a way to contact him if need be. (That's a quote, pretty much, of what he said.)

And now I have rather strong sui thoughts. Still not going to do it, it's still not an option, but the thoughts are there all the time. Right now I don't really see any alternative, down the road. (I know that does not logically tally with it not being an option....) But I am not suicidal as such, and so I have no justification for contacting T. This is material for therapy, not for a crisis contact.

I just don't know what to do, how to cope during these remaining weeks. (Please don't suggest physical exercise, because that is not something that is helpful for me - I am old enough to know that for certain. I do know that it helps many other people.) I can't exactly ask for support from friends, not with this kind of issue. There's really only one person I could ask for support anyway, and he is out of the country right now.

This post is mostly just venting, and getting this out there. Thank you for reading this far.