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Jul 13, 2013, 07:24 PM
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Member Since: Jul 2013
Posts: 4
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Hi! I can relate to what you said...for having similar thoughts that makes me feel completely pathetic.
I don't think I can bring you much help but maybe you will feel less lonely about being like that. And I suppose I could use some help too, from anyone who can help.
Personnaly, after my T told me that she wouldn't be able to see me forever because she’s doing only brief therapy, I ended up planning ways to make her understand I would not stand it, that she couldn't terminate me that fast just after opening myself to her. In my plans I’d tell her that I can't leave and then I'd choke myself in front of her..or I'd tell her I need to go to the bathroom, take all the sleeping pills I have, get back inside and hope to get dizzy enough that she sees that something is wrong with me. Then I'd leave….(and hope that she worries about me...couldn't be more pathetic  )
Anyway, the next session I told briefly my T about these "fantasies". I'm glad I did. I think that way she could understand what it meant to me, without having to put her in an uncomfortable position. So I think you should try yo talk about it or write about it if it's easier.
I need to listen to my advice though  . Because although I've confessed about this once to her, I'm still making other plans... it seems that I need to make sure that she understands me...that she sees how intense it can be for me...
I guess I need to test her in some ways. I feel ashamed of it but as long as I'm not putting her in danger I suppose it's okay...Fortunately or not, in real life I've never had the guts to do anything. In fact I feel numb in her company, so I don’t show much emotion and don’t do much! After a session I am usually angry at myself for being so under control and so boring with her while I feel so intense outside her office....and then I fear that I must be a pain in the *** for being so boring.
But now, thinking about what everyone said here, I must agree that this is not a good thing to do and that words may be better... But why is it so hard to say these kinds of things? Apart from being pathetic and childish (I’m speaking for myself )...Maybe it’s hard because it is about something that really matters and being vulnerable. I think for me it's about seeing if she REALLY cares, or maybe about making her care…I don't know. I've come to the conclusion that I need her to care and to love me. I want her either to love me or hate me...I can't accept that I'm just in between, that she is indifferent to me, that I'm just another patient. I know that is what I am, but thinking that she is indifferent to me is unbearable.
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