This is going to sound harsh, but it is the only thing that is going to work. Your parents are fine with the status quo and so you are going to have to be the one who changes.
Do things for yourself and make decisions for yourself. The only person you can control is yourself. That means if you want change you are going to have to make it. You can't control your mother. If she reacts badly to your being independent then she will need to deal with her feelings. You can't let her behaviors dictate your life. She uses suicidal threats to control people. Have a conversation with your parents telling them that you are an adult and will be making all of your own decisions from here on out. They don't have to agree with them, but they need to respect them. If they can't do that, then they are not going to be able to be as big a part of your life. I understand that you have had this dynamic with your mother for a long time and it can be scary to change that even when you know it is what you need to do. But staying in this dynamic is unhealthy for you. Going to the doctor is a healthy thing. It means that you ARE taking care of yourself. There are things we need to go to the doctor for because that is the only way we can get our health checked out. IE gynecological exams.
Have you thought about therapy? If you are on your parent's insurance and you don't want it showing up, most universities have free therapy provided through health services for students. If your mother wants to wash your clothes, tell her no and don't let her have access to them. If you were bringing them to your parent's house to wash them, this may mean that you need to go to the laundry mat and pay for them. You are an adult and have to make the decision as to what kind of relationship you want to have with your mother. Your mother is emotionally blackmailing you. You need to set limits and boundaries with her and stick with them if you want anything to change. If you don't, then everything will stay the same. Don't let her dictate what you wear, what you do, and who you see when. You may not be thinking of this now, but what if you meet someone you want to marry and your mother doesn't like the person? What would you do then. It is a better time now to deal with this behavior of hers now than when it would impact your relationship with the person you want to marry. I can tell you from my point of view that if someone i wanted to marry had a relationship like you do with your mother, there is no way I would go through with the marriage as I wouldn't want my mother in law dictating what i can and can't do with my spouse and where we can and can't go.
If you don't like where you work, start searching for another job. It may mean taking a pay cut, but that might be worth it if you don't want to be working where you are working. You need to stand on your own two feet and stop letting her dictate your life.
My first suggestion for you thought it sounds like it would be hard because you don't like the town, is to not go home every weekend. Live in the apartment you are renting as it is your apartment and not like you are traveling for work. That will make it a lot easier to set limits in other areas with your parents. You pay for the rent for the apartment whether or not you are there on the weekends, so take advantage of the apartment. Find something you like about where you live until you can move elsewhere. Whether it is a community group or a religious organization or a volunteer activity. Make friends so you aren't dependent on your parents for social contact. If you are making more than they are (as you say in your post) you are not financially dependent on them. Use that as your leverage to start breaking the bonds she has you under. My guess, thought it may not be true, is that you dad doesn't stand up for you because he is afraid of your mom's reactions also.
You are a victim of abuse. Emotional abuse. It will be hard to make these changes. If you are not in therapy I strongly suggest that you start. It will be hard to change these patterns, but until you change they will keep going the way they are going. Your parents are fine with the way things are, that means you are the one who has to initiate the changes. Does that suck? Yes. Does it sucking change the fact that it is true and you are the one who is going to have to change to get them to change? No. Keep coming to PC for support.
I say this all as someone who grew up in an emotionally and verbally abusive household. Not as controlling of my day to day actions as yours, but my mom would threaten to kill herself when i was in high school if I didn't do what she wanted. I have had to go through what you are now going through. I had the benefit of moving 3000 miles away to college to help with setting the boundaries because then my parents could only reach me by phone and when my mom got out of control I would end the conversation and hang up. She changed because she wanted to be able to have phone conversations with me. She learned over time. There is an end to the tunnel. I am still working on recovering from the damage my mom caused when I was growing up, but I no longer let their opinion of my decisions dictate my life (or at least i try not to). It does mean that my parents know a lot less about my life than they otherwise would because they have lost the trust I could have had with them and they have lost the privilege of being an active part of my life. But i had to do it for my own sanity. Otherwise I was at the point where I literally have killed myself rather than return to their home after I graduated from college. You are strong, you can do this.
The first step is to expand your support network IRL. And start setting boundaries with your parents with the end goal of taking control of your life back from them.
