This is probably old hat for many of you, but I've finally put two and two together and come up with four: Mania, for me, is as intoxicating and as tempting as alcohol. It also has the same effect on me, as I'll develop huge blank spots in my memory, remember only the annoying or the embarrassing, and generally regret the hell out of the whole thing. It's like a bipolar hangover!

And why, oh why do I think I can have my cake and eat it too---that by sheer force of will I can stop an episode from spiraling out of control? I swear, by the time I admit to feeling even "pre-hypomanic", I'm already dancing on the moon, and of course I'm enjoying myself so much that I don't CARE that I'm annoying the crap out of people, spending money I can't spare, making scenes in restaurants and so on.

It's just crazy---literally. I did a little better this time because I called my pdoc just before I went completely ape****, but I know I did it only because my friends and family talked me into it....that, and I knew he'd be pissed at me for NOT calling when I ran into trouble. I don't really want to be fired as a patient!

Now, of course, I've got all these post-mania regrets, just like I used to have after a night (or several months) of drinking like a fish. I feel like I need to apologize to everybody for being such a dip-wad.