Wow. Thank you, all, so much.
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Originally Posted by tinyrabbit
I'm really sorry you're struggling right now. I think it's great that your T recognises the need, and reason, for you to potentially contact him.
You ask what he could do anyway. Well, maybe it would help just to have some kind of tangible reminder that he's there for you, and he's coming back. If you speak to him briefly, it could help sustain you and would send a message to your unconscious mind that you don't have to deal with everything on your own.
I think you're seeing things in rather black and white terms: you say you're not going to try to sui, so you shouldn't need your T. I say there's a grey area in the middle where you feel desperately bad and need to talk to him. I think you would absolutely be justified in calling him, and I think you should go ahead and do so. Just hearing his voice could help.
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As always you're being really helpful, tinyrabbit - I always appreciate your postings. I can see that what you say here makes a lot of sense - if it were about somebody ense I would nod enthusiastically and go "hear, hear!". It
would help to hear his voice. But I don't like to acknowledge that need to him, even though he has already pretty much said that he understands it.
Then there is the question of what T is busy doing as I call, what I will be interrupting, who else is with him, and all that. For all I know he's not even in the country. But maybe I could txt him.
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Originally Posted by tinyrabbit
Other suggestions for how to cope the rest of the time: I wonder if counting down the days somehow could help, e.g. crossing them off on a calendar? That way you can see them going down and your next appointment getting closer.
Also, does journalling help you at all? Personally, I find distraction is ultimately what gets me through breaks from T - I read a lot of free book samples on my Kindle and play a lot of Sudoku.
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I keep a countdown calendar on timeanddate.com - I count the days and also the hours (which sounds a bit desperate, but it is encouraging to see how quickly the hours go down.)
As for keeping busy, I try to do that. Journalling helps, but I haven't done it, much. Maybe I will make an effort to write some more - I might even write down things addressed to T. I read a lot, and when I am too miserable to focus on printed text I listen to audiobooks. I have also learnt a new craft (bookbinding) this summer, and am keeping myself busy with that as much as I can.
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Originally Posted by Bill3
I'm sorry that things are rough right now. It is a long break.
I agree with tinyrabbit.
Talking to someone trusted and experienced in listening can be really helpful.
Also, I think T believes that talking to him can be helpful to you. I suppose that is a main reason that he made it possible for you to call: he believes that he can help, and he wants to.
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Thanks, Bill. I appreciate your support and advice, as ever.
The problem is, too, that I don't know exactly what I would say. I would end up umming and erring a lot and trying to convince T that I'm actually doing really well. And feeling totally ashamed afterwards.
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Originally Posted by kaliope
I agree with rabbit and bill. Just a short conversation would be all it takes. U dont even have to tell him ur suicodal, just that ur struggling. On the othrr hand, when I wss in your place, I used to make bargains with myself to stay alive. Id tell myself its ok to kill myself two weeks from now if I was still that miserable so then I could stop thinking about it. When the two weeks was up, I would make a new plan. Hang in there.....I fought the idea of meds for a long time and I finally compromised because I knew I wad going to be dead. They worked like magic. I only took antidepressants for two years and havent needed them since. They are worth thinking about.
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Thanks, kaliope. I appreciate your weighing in here. The bargain thing is a really good idea - I might try thinking like that. I do the same thing on a smaller scale sometimes when I am stressed out and can't sleep at night: I take each stressor and tell myself that I will think about that thing at 10am the next day, or whenever. So I know that can help.
And yes, I know meds can be helpful. I have tried four different kinds (two of them in combination) and I know that my T would like for me to try another type which he thinks might help me. It's just that there are practical reasons why it's difficult for me to go on medication. Anyway, maybe the subject will come up in August when I start seeing T again.
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Originally Posted by hankster
I was like that too - what can anyone possibly do or say to help? I think we learn to say that to ourselves AFTER we figure out no one is coming, cuz how else can we survive? Maybe that's what distinguishes the different survivor styles. It means doing a 180 degree turn to even think someone can help. Or maybe a quarter turn, like in a microwave oven. I think this is my t's biggest obstacle with me.
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Spot on, hankster - that is it.
But I have this weird hangup where I discourage people from helping me even when I realise that they want to, because I don't want them to worry. I mean, I have been known to lie to my GP and say I'm feeling better when I wasn't, for crying out loud.