Hello,

My fiancee and I have been together for over a year and we just had a baby together. He has never physically cheated on me, but I keep catching him texting other women that he knows and talking inappropriately with them. He asks them things like when is the last time they masturbated, have they had any fun sex lately, etc. He loves swapping stories with them. It doesn't happen every day. Only once in a while. And he never contacts them first. Its always when they text him first. But 50% of the time, hes the one who starts talking dirty. The weird thing is he does most of it while he's at work! Its not even like he's doing it so that he has stimulation to pleasure himself to. It almost seems like he has a dirty boy persona that he feels like he needs to keep up the appearance of. Most of the women he has talked to like that are old friends or ex friends with benefits. One in particular has been hard to shake. She has been told several times by me that she is not welcome in his life because if I go out of town to visit family and she finds out, she is texting him saying "if you need to get some, just tell me when and where. He has never taken her up on the offer. I know about these conversations because I have all of his passwords and access to his text message conversations.
He has promised that he won't do it again, but it keeps happening. And it seems like he just does it without thinking. Part of me feels like its no big deal because it is just talk. The other part says its not ok. This time, he swore on our daughters lives that it won't happen again.
I asked him to get counseling and he said no. He said he wants to sit down with me and come up with a plan to keep him occupied and distracted. He says he feels like some of it comes from boredom. He did say that if this doesn't work, he will then get counseling.
I am writing this to ask for tips and ideas to help him conquer this. What kind of things should i say when talking to him about this? And what things should i not say? What can we do to make him change this behavior? I know he wants to change and doesn't want to lose me. But he has been talking like this for years. He is 40. Old habits die hard. I feel like part of the plan should be for me to keep a close eye on everything he does, and for him to be aware that i am doing it. Is that too much? Any comments or suggestions? And please, no bashing him. He is a wonderful man in every way. This is our only issue.
I'm not sure if this is a helpful detail or not, but we have a kinky bedroom life that includes s&m. We are part of a fetish community. And we live the dom/sub lifestyle with him being the dom. However, in order to submit to him I have to trust him completely. And right now, some of that trust is gone. I know sometimes he swaps stories to get ideas to spice things up even more with us. But it goes above and beyond that sometimes. And that is where the main problem lies. If it is to spice up things with us, not that we need it, then I wouldn't mind. But that's not always the goal of the conversation. Anyway..... thoughts, comments, and suggestions please. Or should I just let it go because it is ONLY talk?