Out of nowhere my ex text me last night and asked if my wife and I minded if she came down for a weekend. I hedged around it a bit, not quite sue to make of it. I know her and her wife have gone through some tough stuff lately, so I wasn't sure if she needed space, or something else was up. I talked to my wife about it, and continued chatting with my ex (we are friends... it's a weird small lesbian community thing, everyone seems to stay friends as long as the break-up wasn't horrible). At one point she sensed hesitation because I wasn't responding as fast or enthusiastically as I should (I guess). I told her my hesitation came from not feeling so great lately, and not wanting to disappoint her, or have to feel like I made the visit boring/sad/annoying/negative. I told her I was in a rough spot emotionally, and just having trouble getting through the days. She said she knew I was having issues with my depression, and that is why she wanted to come down. That made me pause for a second. Am I really that transparent? I asked my wife if she had said anything to my ex, and my wife denied it (she has rallied people for me in the past). I don't recall saying anything to my ex about being depressed... I don't put it on fb at all, so she would not have gotten it from there...
I'm confused I guess. I don't know how to feel about her coming all this way for a visit (1500 miles). I really appreciate the caring, but I don't want to let her down. I also don't want any lectures about how I should have done things differently, or how I just need to change the way I am, or how she knew moving home was a bad idea... I'm also worried that I may be in a treatment program by the time she comes (she bought the ticket for mid-august). I'm applying for benefits, and as soon as they come through, my T and myself and my wife have agreed that I need some serious treatment. Part of that looks like an stint inpatient at a trauma program. With my luck, that will over-lap with my ex's visit, and she will be left to spend the weekend with my wife and my mom (a bit awkward any way you look at it). I told her before she booked the ticket that something like that may happen, but she decided to come anyway.
I really don't know how to feel about this. On the one hand I'm excited because a friend is finally following through on visiting us, but the reasons make me nervous, and so does the timing... I also wonder if I would feel differently knowing this was just a friend instead of an ex. She and my wife like each other (that's what they independently tell me), and she reminded me of all the amazing things my wife has done for me... A lot of my hesitation is surrounding fear and expectations. I don't like people seeing me crumble, and I don't want to ever let anyone down. I'm afraid I'm going to let her (and everyone else) down