Can you remember ever really wanting something when you were a child and not getting it?

The last month of 5th grade we took some sort of test that tested our musical aptitude and I scored highly and it was recommended I be in the "band" next year, that I should take/learn the flute. My parents said "no" but did not explain much/very well, did not know to what degree I really wanted to take the flute, be "special", etc. I know now, as an adult, they did not have the money to afford my learning an instrument, especially since I had not applied myself to anything else in my life before that I allegedly wanted to do/be; I was a lack-luster "C" student, was not a self-starter, etc. They could not take the chance on me.

But I'm 10/11; think about what I was thinking, feeling, and "know"? So I grow up thinking my parents "don't care" and that I was denied my big break etc. I get to my mid-30's and decide to take music lessons, check out what is true. I can't take flute, there's no flute teachers in my area, but I can take clarinet so I buy a clarinet and lessons and away I go! Only, guess what? I never practiced and, being shy, my teacher (one-on-one class) keeps telling me I'm not playing loud enough (afraid to make a mistake; had the same problem in 4th grade when the whole class had music/recorder class? I didn't practice then either and would "fake it" the best I could during class when the teacher would walk around between the rows and listen to us individually that way). After a month or two my teacher moved/got another job and I was out a teacher and eventually sold my clarinet back to the music store for 1/3rd it's value, etc.

What did I get out of that? Despite the painful knowledge that I was still a lack-luster student and not a self-starter I was glad I checked out my suppositions from the past, that I checked out whether I really wanted to play an instrument or that was just a childhood fantasy that had morphed into a belief with nothing much to support it. You get too many of those going and you end up with massive disappointment and wondering what happened. It turned out my parents were right and my vague feeling that they didn't "believe in me" and think I would follow through was correct. It hurts to think poorly of one's self but you can't do anything useful with good or bad feelings without first checkout out where they are from and whether they are true or not. In this case the vague feelings go away and I felt more substantial? I could see what my problems were and begin to try and address them.

So, I get to 39 years old and am in an accounting class taking the final exam and am having trouble with a problem at the edge of my knowledge and understanding and suddenly wish I had studied harder. What????!!!! Whoosh! You mean it's all up to me what I study and learn, doesn't have anything to do with my teachers, mother, husband, job, anyone else and what they want? Oh. . . . is that what the "self" in self-starter means I have to decide to do the homework, read the material, study the textbook. You should have seen me when I took the second accounting class, that memory is of wanting to quit doing a homework assignment but I wouldn't let me, LOL. Got an "A" in that course and when I went back for a second degree and then a graduate one, got A's only in all my degree courses.

All because my parents seemed to diss me in 5th grade. . .