Quote:
Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm
I cannot get my head wrapped around things. I have made terrible mistakes. I had emotional affairs in a never ending search for approval and acceptance.
I looked at porn as an escape from my emptiness and unhappiness.
And no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, no matter what strides I make, no matter how much I admit to, my ex just can't let it be what it is.
I am going to get our daughter for a week and she is upset that she will be away from her for the week.
I have offered time and time again to get marriage counseling. I have admitted to my mistakes. My entire world has been turned upside down because of my mistakes and my stupidity.
And what do I get from her? More of the same...."YOU did this and YOU did that...YOU destroyed our marriage...all I ever wanted was a happy home etc etc and YOU destroyed it all because YOU wouldn't go get the help you needed."
I seriously wish I never had to hear her voice again. I never thought I would be in the place where I am actually beginning to despise her very existance.
But that is not who I am. And anymore I am just a broken man who sits in his little apartment and works every day to figure out how the hell I let my life get so out of control.
It's time for me to go pick up our daughter and the dog. I just don't even want to see her face. I am SO tired of this!
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Divorce has many consequences beyond the fact that finances, households, and time with the children get split up.
One of the usual consequence of a divorce is finality.
You and your ex wife are divorced.
So, there was finality. There was a thing called "judgment" (a pretty serious word) that was entered into a court docket at some point. The judgment dissolved the marriage.
As a corollary to that, you ex wife does not get to pick on you anymore - you are done. If she has issues, she can journal, talk to a therapist, or do any number of other things that do not involve you.
You say that you are a broken man. It does not appear to be the case. It appears that you are troubled, sad, riddled with guilt, and other such things (which are fairly normal, anyway), but not broken.
She is broken, as in "a broken record". She got stuck on repeating the same line to you again and again. So - a broken record she is.
You are offering marriage counseling - you do not need it since you are not married. If you could get coparenting counseling, that could help. If she won't agree, just tell her:
"I do not want to hear anything from you unless it is related to the logistics of the exchange of the daughter. Period. I am done with you. You are my closed bank account - I paid up, and the account got closed. I do not owe anything. I am done. You need to live your life to the best of your ability, and I will live my life to the best of my ability."
Also, Spiritofthestorm, you should kind of get your priorities straight. When you write about your grave mistakes, you write with such a deep feeling of remorse that I always think, reading your post, that you sure must be keeping a few corpses in your freezer (you know, one can get an industrial strength stand-alone freezer with shelves, and cut-up corpses can easily fit into it).
And then I learn that no, you do not have a few cut-up corpses in your freezer, you just watch porn. And I think to myself: "Is this guy in his right mind?"