I think T reminds me too much like the mother I wanted/imagined and didn't get; the one I got and how she treated me didn't jive with my imagined one so I'm afraid the T will turn out like that too. You know how good a food can look but then it doesn't taste good to you?

I think I had to get the ideal and what I got closer together before I could be comfortable with everything/one being like that, that I could be comfortable/uncomfortable and understand myself and it would all be "okay".