I sent her another long email series today, sigh. I'm going back and forth between dissociated, sad, defensive and overwhelmed. It's been an overwhelming couple of weeks as far as managing my stress levels. Had bad house guests, trauma work, terrible sleep for this last couple weeks, and then a hit and run car accident I was the victim of last week. I'm usually extremely self-reliant. Been managing a lot the last many years, part of starting therapy was so I'd have someone to trust to confide in and help me manage everything better, to feel clearer and supported.

But I feel like I'm wanting too much from her, sigh. Don't know if I should just rely on myself. Somehow, I feel so alone and muddled. I hate feeling muddled. It's from being tired and overwhelmed. I keep thinking I should wait to talk to her until I'm all settled and self-assured again, stick to a schedule... I don't like people to see me messy, long-winded, struggling with too much, sigh.

I wonder.... maybe I can just have compassion for myself? Give myself permission to reach out when I feel like it, believe that if I want support and help, that's a good enough reason to try and get it.... I already proved I could manage alone. I was a pretty good mother, employee, wife, volunteer, etc. but... I was constantly stressed out and bothered by things I didn't quite know how to handle or put in perspective. It's not so bad to want a lot of help when I'm overwhelmed, is it.... to want to get all the thoughts out of my head and have someone hear me out and help me???