Thanks. Maybe it is more of a workout than I realize, I know I am definitely sweating when it is done, and I do the exercises on my own a couple of times a day even on my off days.

I am going to try to not get too crazy, because I can tell if I eat too much, the next day I am hungrier. But I am going to try to eat at least when I am noticeably hungry.

I've had a history since high school of periods of not eating. I think I've trashed my metabolism to the point I can get by on relatively small amounts of food without becoming thin. In high school, I got kind of chunky for a while, and then lost probably thirty to forty pounds over a period of several months of extreme dieting. I would invent weird diets like "the lettuce diet" or "the candy bar diet" (you eat one candy bar each day, but no other food).

For some reason I took pride in being able to eat less than anyone else, and disguised my weight loss by wearing a lot of clothes. I remember I had some weight loss goal I wanted to meet but had been unable when I was about sixteen, and got pneumonia and was hospitalized. I remember when I got out of the hospital I was actually below my goal weight, and I was so happy. How weird is that.

I have had eating "issues" from way back, but I don't think I ever stepped over into a real "disorder", because at some point, I started eating again and gained weight. But I danced around the edges of it.

I am curvy and even overweight right now, but I go back and forth. During periods of depression it gets bad. I will start off missing a meal now and then, and then missing all the meals, and eventually it will be kind of a game, to see how long I can go without. It is a battle of my mind and will against my hunger. I cannot explain it. It is weird. I don't understand it. When I was young, I hated to get boobs and hips, I don't know why.

I went through a period of using drugs to lose weight. I got very thin but also quite crazy. My teeth and bones I believe suffered from this, though not as bad as some people have.

I believe I have some really weird food attitudes and eating habits, and sometimes I cannot tell when I am needing to eat. I have tried to kind of judge on a scale of 1-10 how hungry I feel, but it is like I am not aware of subtle feelings of being a little hungry. I am either fine and not interested in eating, or starving, like my stomach is eating itself. Sometimes I don't know it until I realize it is growling really bad. I am never, ever full. I don't like to feel full. It feels yucky. I am either okay, or starving, but never full. I do not understand these people who say they are never hungry, and eat all day. I am hungry every day, most of the time, unless I am sick. I usually start to get hungry late in the morning or early in the afternoon, and eat in the late afternoon and early evening. I often wake up from being hungry, but if I sleep on my stomach it is not as much.

Something is wrong that makes me not eat when I feel hunger, but I do not understand people who say they never get hungry. I get hungry every single day. I experience it and am well aware of it. It feels like heartburn, and like a gnawing, empty ache, it comes and goes, but the sight and smell of food brings it back, and if it has been a day or more since I've eaten, sometimes it is like knives stabbing me...so hard to say, "no thanks, I already ate" when I'm actually drooling...

So why do I still do this stupid crap from time to time. I know it doesn't make sense, so how can it hurt and feel so good at the same time?