I'm just like you hun.

I know u wonder why life is like this now because u were always fine with doing things previously. No matter what happens, anxiety and panic attacks just come and it's very difficult to stop. The smallest little thing can trigger anxiety even without even realising. Having a fainting episode at work due to stress cause my anxiety and depression to start and it gradually got worse. I couldn't control panic attacks and they'd come on so fast I didn't know until I couldn't breathe. I know it's horrible and people telling u to just push through it is horrible. You need people to understand so they can help u through a panic attack because it's very difficult to do it alone. Someone to talk u through one is best.

I've felt like I just want to end my life because the suffering is over and I will be happy again. But u will never feel better or happier by ending it life, pushing through this and getting better is when you will feel good and u have to be alive for that. u need that sense of achievement and u will do it. I know harming urself is a relief but at least you know you dont want to end up harming urself again, that is a sense of achievement and strength and use that and make it bigger, double that strength for fight other emotions.

I had to leave my job this year and I haven't left the house since feb because of agoraphobia. I've always thought to myself why am I like this now when i loved my job and i was never like this before. Even the smallest things make me panic but it's just our mind. We don't choose this consciously its what our mind does to cope with traumatic things no matter how little, believe it or not. It's horrible I know but u need to see someone, you should try CBT as it teaches u how to retrain your brain and learn how to cope with things and situations better. You don't want to end up not being able to leave the house trust me it's horrendous.

Here if u want to PM I'll talk for as long as you need.

Good luck. Hugs

Kez