I'm writing this in depression section because the stories here seem closest to what I feel. Perhaps I'm just being weak and fussy, I'm not sure anymore.
Most of the time I do not feel strong emotions. I have a sort of underlying emotional state of sadness or perhaps disappointment but my actual feelings (like happiness or enjoyment or laughter) are fleeting. I can still laugh but it feels hollow and I feel strange and kind of confused when the feeling stops because then I am empty when I expect to feel satisfaction or happiness but I'm still feel sad and don't know why. It's kind of like when I was younger and I'd love the beach but once I stopped playing I'd feel sad and lonely because their were hundreds of people there and everyone was in an isolated bubble with just a few of them ( That particular situation is not part of my question but more an attempt to explain the hollow emotions). I hate myself , I think. I know that these thoughts relating to self criticism are to be expected but they feel elevated and I am now preoccupied by them and cannot control them. I feel scared to ask for anything because I don't deserve anything ( that sounds like a good thing but It causes problems at school with asking for help, paper , leave for necessary planned things like dentists, other lessons etc) It really fills me with this fear.I also feel inadequate. I feel that I am a dissapointment to everyone and mostly to myself. I fail at exams ( I actually get A's but I still feel like I'm stupid and can't convince myself otherwise) Should anyone in the vicinity laugh or whisper, I am sure that they are making fun of me. The thing that really scares me is that I feel everyone was better without me. I'm not posting about suicide per se because I am held back by fear and weakness but I often think that I am scared to go back and so the only way to remove myself from people's lives is to remove myself from my own. Sometimes this comes with bursts of emotion other times I just think ' why not?, you won't be missing anything' Finally, I often fantasize ( not sexually but like a compulsion or even ambition) about suffering. I want horrible things to happen to me. Sometimes so that I feel something but I also feel that I deserve it. I realize that it is wrong to wish the horrors that some real people must face upon myself but I can't stop it. But I'm 15 so maybe I'm overreacting and this is all normal.
If you have done, then thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it.